Sunday, January 4, 2009

From Me, With Love

Dear Khalil,

I fell in love with you even though you could not speak.

Your eyes spoke to me. They were big, brown and inquisitive. I fell in love with you, Khalil. You were different.

When I walked into the room, I did not immediately notice you. The room was sticky, despite the AC roaring on the wall. There were about 12 cribs aligned against four walls. Each baby looked so different, proving the melting pot of Sudan. There stories were heart wrenching and depressing. Babies saved from hungry dogs, found in small, dilapidated bathrooms, failing to flush down public bathrooms, despite their 14-year old's mother's wishes. I tried not to think of that, and found it very easy to forget as I looked at their faces. So pure and innocent. My mother let out a laugh as I saw her talking to you.

I rushed to her side to find you. You were perfect.

They called you the most popular one. The healthiest. I didn’t care. Your smile had me. I held you and spoke to you, yielding laugther from your little belly. I spoke to you about your future, would you be a doctor? Travel the world? Have a family? You smiled and your eyes searched my face for answers. Now, I think about whether you were looking for answers to my questions or to yours.

Your big brown eyes were wise beyond their years, just like the others. You told a story that I wish I knew. If she knew you know, she would have never let you go, Khalil, I promise. Everyone loved you. She would have, as well.

I held your face against mine and listened to your deep raspy breaths, probably from the waves of air constantly being blown by the fan on the ceiling. I wanted you to love me back, but I was afraid of it, too. Because I knew it could never possibly be. I looked into your eyes once again and told you, sternly, that you will have a home. You will be held everyday. Do you remember?
I do.

I remember you looking right back at me, still smiling. Bursts of laughter uncontrollably rushing through you. So contagious, no wonder why everyone around you smiles. I hope one day you know that.

I put you back in your crib and your smiles remained, strained, and mirrored by short cries and you reaching out to me. Urging me to come back and give you more promises.

As I left the orphanage I tried not to look back at you. Not to have that last look at the boy that stole my heart. But I did, and your smile remained, your eyes fixated. And still, searching for a clue.

I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I walked away like so many before. I think about you constantly and know that someday your smile will warm a home and your eyes will look into the eyes of someone faithfully yours, your questions all answers.

Love,

Me.